19 MINUTES

Last night I stayed up half the night finishing the book 19 Minutes by Jodi Pioult. I haven't read any of her books, yet. I heard they were pretty controversial and wasn't sure I would like them. But, I went to see the movie, My Sisters Keeper, by the same author--liked it--and was encouraged to read 19 Minutes. The next sunday my friend brought the book for me to read. I let it sit for a few weeks, until I felt ready for a good read. HA! I really didn't have the time to read it as quickly as I wanted to. I used to go on reading marathons, when I found a good book, but I have gotten used to just reading a bit here and there cause I really don't have time to sit and read. Well, with this book I wanted to sit and read. I wanted to find out what happens to everyone in the end. I knew there was going to be a surprise ending, and I wanted to see if I was even close to guessing what it was...which I was....I loved and hated the main characters. I empathized with all of them. I felt like it was well written, with alot of great insight, which I always appreciate. Jodi thinks outside of the box. She is willing to go against society a bit which I thought I wouldn't appreciate, but I did. I am also a rebel of social norms...so.....BUT, because of dealing with the murder of my cousin...I also had very mixed emotions about the murders in this book, even though the situation was different.....

19 Minutes is how long it took Peter to kill 10 people in his school and wound many more. When Peters mom heard there was a shooting at the school, she rushed over to make sure he was okay...and was quickly shocked beyond belief, that her son was the shooter. She was a good mom. She cared about her son and did the best she could for him. Peter also had a good dad. a stable home. But, of course everyone would judge his parents. wonder what they'd done wrong..to raise a monster. And the parents would wonder as well. Every decision they made as parents...did that create the moment where he decided to walk into the school with guns?
I can relate. Fortunately, I have good kids. But, Peter's parents thought they did too. He rarely gave them trouble. He was tender hearted, (which is a good thing, right) he stayed out of trouble, he did his school work. There were some red flags, but they didn't seem any different than any teenager.
I kept trying to put a character on Peter....give him a face. I thought about the kids at our schools, and tried to place one of them as Peter...and I really couldn't. He was an odd duck...but I couldn't totally see it. I liked Peter, most of the time. I empathized with him. I wondered if he was really odd, or if he'd been singled out and was just easy to pick on...because Peter was picked on daily....teased, harrassed, shoved, humiliated....how long can someone put up with that happening constantly? I felt for him. I wanted the 'cool kids' at school, the ones who picked on him, to pay for the way they treated him. But of course, death was too much. There wasn't a good answer. There wasn't a good solution. No one could decide how to stop bullying. The school said they didn't tolerate it. But they also said they discovered doing something about it usually made things worse for the kids being bullied. So, they did nothing. But they were also adament that kids weren't bullied in their school! Peter's parents were counseled by a well meaning teacher when he was young to let him 'man up'! deal with it, tough it out, stick up for himself. But, of course, that just created more opportunities for him to suffer.
I saw some of my siblings stereotyped at school as being dumb, because they learned a different way than the norm. They are all intelligent, but struggled with reading, or sitting still, or concentration, because of dyslexia, or ADHD, or some other learning disability. They struggled with their self worth in school where special ed meant stupid. Many of them eventually dropped out of school and struggled until they either aced the ged, or found success in careers. I vowed at that time if my kids were ever stereotyped, or bullied, or in any way made to feel less than, because they didn't fit the norm, I would pull them out and homeschool. Actually, I planned on homeschooling from the start, but life got in the way. I found out public schools weren't so bad. I have had a few moments with one of my children, where I was very tempted to pull him out and home educate, but we were always able to work things out to our satisfaction, where we felt like staying in public school was the right choice. I have struggled with not being sure I was doing the best for my kids....but praying that I was. We never know, until all is said and done, if we made the right choices for them.

The other main character in the book is Josie and her mother. She was Peter's best friend while they were young, but managed to join the popular crowd as she got older. She realized if she associated with Peter she would lose her status and wasn't willing to risk it. Her boyfriend became one of Peter's biggest adversaries. She hated the way he, they (all her friends) treated Peter, and would sometimes jump to his aide in the vaguest ways, but also betrayed him when her status felt threatened. I could relate. There were plenty of times where I saw someone being bullied and I didn't step in, because I didn't want the tables turned on me. It turns my stomach to see people treated badly... But, I usually wasn't courageous enough to stick up for them. I probably usually just walked away. I wish I would have been braver. One time, when I was in high school we were in swimming. It was free time, and fortunately I was sitting up in the lifeguard chair with a friend. All of a sudden some of the kids started getting out, exclaiming that one of the girls (who was constantly picked on) had peed in the pool. We were in high school! I didn't know if she had. I was glad I wasn't in the pool, cause I wouldn't have wanted to stay in there, but I hated to see her segregated like that. I hated to see her exclaiming that she didn't, and everyone jumping out, and her sitting in there alone not being able to convince anyone of her innocence. She was picked on, because she couldn't shave her legs until she was 16. She was picked on because she was 'slow'. I can't even remember her name. But, there were some good, popular kids. I remember one jock who treated her very well, like a little sister. He wouldn't put up with it, but he wasn't with her all the time. She really did suffer. I hope she is happy now.
Peter suffered every day of his life, feeling less than. He finally can't stand it anymore, so he resorts to killing his enemies along with people he never knew. That is never okay. I wanted him to not have to suffer anymore. But, I couldn't want him to be set free. He was damaged. There was no telling if he would do it again. He ruined many lives. It mattered that his life was ruined. How could it be made right? If he would have waited just a few more years, maybe college would have been different....or adult life. But, that he was bullied every day of his life up to that point, and then the rest of his life spent in prison.....heartbreaking! His life would never be easy. He never had a break.
As you know. My cousin was murdered last year. Her husband was probably one of the 'bullies' in school. (isn't that nice for me to assume?) he thought a gun would be the solution. He is spending the next few decades in prison. He took a life and gave up most of his own in the process.
Peter's mom stood by Peter. His father thought of the victims and the grieving parents. It took him awhile, but he came back to Peter. Dave's family kept trying to get him out of Jail. They fought hard to prove that something besides Dave pulled that trigger (over and over again). They didn't want him to accept responsibility, because that meant they raised a monster. Dave (as far as we knew) wasn't bullied. He thought he was going to lose some of the things he'd worked hard for....cause he wanted it all! He didn't want to accept responsibility. It hurt Kristy's memory, that they felt like her life was so worthless, that Dave shouldn't have to pay for what he'd done. They were even scheming how they were going to get him out of jail at Kristy's memorial, thinking we would appreciate that!
I know what it is like to lose a loved one to someone's senseless act. I could relate to those who thought of Peter as the monster. But, they didn't know the whole story. Some of them had kids who were also monsters...who had an easier time hiding the fact. They were good looking, had enviable talents, trained those around them to accept their bad behavior. Peter's mom reminded me a little of Dave's family. So, even though I initally liked her, I didn't like the fact that she cared more for the well being of Peter, than of the victims of Peter's rampage. Does that make sense. She knew of his suffering though. She loved him as her son. She brought him into this world with all the hopes and dreams that we all have for our kids. Even though those around him couldn't see his greatness, she could. I could relate to that! as a mother. One of my favorite quotes in the book, which I mentioned on facebook was.....
'It is easy to be proud of the kid who got straight A's and who made the winning basket--a kid the world already adored. But true character showed when you could find something to love in a child everyone else hated. '
Can we be proud of our kid when he is just being himself, even if it doesn't fit the norm. Or even when they aren't doing what we want of them? Can we love them unconditionally?

I know I don't know all of Dave's story as well. We really can't judge. We really never know why people does what they do. I can honestly still say though that I am glad Dave is where he is for as long as possible. I hated the fact that his parents didn't want him to have to deal with the consequences of his actions. I hated the fact that his freedom was more important than Kristy's family's peace of mind. Can you still love your son and want him to recompense for what he has done? Their attitude felt like constant slaps in the face. But, I understood and even appreciated their continued love for their son and brother. I just wanted it to stop there. Does that make sense.

Anyways, I am babbling too much. I am glad I was able to get this out. It has taken all day. I guess I have alot of feelings about this book and couldn't organize it as much as I wanted to. I wish I belonged to a book club....so I could discuss it with others. and get their ideas. I don't know why it matters so much. Let me know if you've read it and what you think......